Reckless
by Meredith.K
Summary: Young people should be reckless, and reckless requires passion, excitement and dreams, which Hermione Granger currently lack. Disappeared for 5 years, isolated for 5 years, at Molly's funeral, she returned, pregnant and married. May contain triggers, e.g. cuts, alcohol addiction etc. Rated M for safety and since it's a M, I might add something.
1. Everybody wants something from me

Chapter 1 Everybody wants something from me

"Everybody wants to see me down, Leave my body on the dirty ground…"

\- Everybody wants something from me

…

1999, April

She was in her room, in her own room in the house that her parents left her. They decided to live in Australia now, and asked Hermione to take care of the house, it's her childhood home after all.

It's a warm colour of red, to match her house during her first winter at Hogwarts, hand painted by her father, it was not in a too deep of shades to avoid the feeling of being pressured and trapped. However warm and light and filled with love from her parents, she could not feel it now.

She hadn't feel anything for awhile now, her deep dark secrets threatening to be spilled, to be told. Living with her parents didn't work, living in the burrow didn't work, seeing her friends didn't work and working didn't work. She just wanted to feel something, even if it's pain. She didn't mind being depressed, stressed, haunted or even tortured, she seemed to lost the privileges of feeling for some time now.

Every bone in her body, every nerve in her brain was screaming, it is very hard to believe that this is happening, but the more she tries, the more she fails, and how she hated failure. She was conflicted, this might be the first time when she couldn't think it through.

She didn't know how it happened, she just knew, no one else should know, not her best friend, not the love of her life, not anyone. She had to run.

Far, far away, Somewhere no one could ever find her.

…

Hermione disappeared, the day of her graduation, the day of which the golden trio was supposed to be reunited. No body knows what happened. Harry, of course, used all his resources, his fame, his status, something that he's reluctant to use before. The Weasleys also put a lot of effort into finding Hermione, since their family was big and everywhere.

But still, nothing. Not in Magical Britain, not in muggle Britain, not with her parents, not with her friends, Aurors couldn't find her. Owls were able to be delivered at first, they came back with letters and notes missing, they just didn't get a reply. They kept sending and sending, thinking it would at least drive Hermione crazy and reply. And it did work, Hermione eventually wrote a reply 6 months after her disappearance, telling him that she's fine, just needed a little time by herself, and promised she'd be back soon, more importantly stop writing.

It wouldn't work on him, he's the boy who lived and lived (George added the other "lived"), then one day, even Owls couldn't deliver anything to her, and that was 5 years ago.

…

5 years later. 2004, March

It was a sunny day, didn't seem like a day for sorrow, unfortunately, it was the day that Molly said goodbye to all. Fulfilling her last wish, Ginny's getting married, to none other than Oliver Wood. They met through Quidditch, being the last to get married in the Weasley family, Molly's only dying wish is to see Hermione again.

She had a habit of taking children under her wing, and after all these years, she saw Hermione as her own. While there's no other children for her to worry about, Hermione was the only girl on her mind.

Harry and Ron already sent thousands of owls, posting stories in the news, hoping she would come back, even if just for 5 minutes, just to say goodbye to Molly.

Their wish was granted in a mysterious way. They did receive an owl, that night, when Molly took her last breathe, she was able to finish the letter before death came for her, perhaps a part of her needed to know Hermione's well, and refused to go even if death stood by her side.

Hermione promised Molly, she would be present at her funeral, paid her respect and she truly loves her, for being a motherly figure during the darkest time. She apologised to her, saying that she wished to be there with her now. But Ron was furious, she could be here if she wanted to, what could stop a witch from travelling after all, while Harry kept silence.

Their relationship ended effectively as Hermione left, not that it was going great before, he married a fine lady to start the family that he always wanted; Harry took the job as DADA professor at Hogwarts, 5 years is a lot of time, and where they would be if Hermione was here is now all mystery.

...  
Mere: Hey, thanks for the lovely Addicted2ItAll, for beta-ing this. Am going to upload the whole thing now. This has been dragging me through the year. Let's just say it's not fun being a nursing student.


	2. Going to Hell

Chapter 2 Going to Hell

"Gettin' heavy with the devil, you can hear the wedding bells."

-Going to Hell

…

2004, March

She took a good, refreshing breathe when she stepped off the airplane, 5 years, had it really been that long. A lot had happened to her, and she's sure a lot had happened to them. She was living under a media blockage, only receiving mail from a trusted few and must-see mail. They only decided to open again a few months ago, because they thought they were ready now, it's time to know how the world will take them in.

They had planned this for a long time, now that they didn't have much time left and they had planned almost the whole thing, they could finally put it in action, and it excited Hermione so much. And while she was actually happy for a moment, reality hit her like a little bitch. Molly's death was a lighter, burning her own long un-used cigarette, she felt numb again. But once a while, a little kick from her belly makes everything brighter, every kick was like a flashlight through her fogged path. This little guy was her own sweet trouble.

It took exactly 32 hours from her home to the Burrow, the minute she stepped through the ward, magic went through her, she was certain that her own clock hand was now pointing towards 'Home', it was a strange thing now that she thought of it, she never saw Burrow as her home, but where warmth was, and warmth was always with Molly.

She knew she was expecting someone now, someone was going to run through the door and look for her, that's how the Weasleys operate. And she was right, and relieved to see it wasn't Ron, but George, the most open-minded of them all. She gently lay a hand on her belly, at least it's with a good start.

George nearly ran towards her, and was planning to crash her on the floor if he could, but seeing Hermione standing there, with a obviously enlarged abdomen, and a motherly smile, that could only mean one thing. He needed to prepare for a fight.

But he still greeted her. "Ah, and I thought I'm the one with all the surprises." He jokingly said, opened his arms for a good old hug.

"I missed you too." She received it without trouble, well, apart from the baby being squeezed between them.

"You are in big trouble, young lady."

"You sounded like a Dad." She smiled, seeing George of all people was definitely good for her.

"I am, but there will be time for that. Come on, we are saying our final goodbyes." George held her for a while, remembering how difficult Luna was in around this stage, he would say almost 7 months.

"Thank you. How's everyone else?" She tried to sound casual, but her heart knew better, started pounding harder and harder.

"Everyone had babies, expect Gin, but you should know, we are the Weasleys." They were just one more step between them and the door. "I'll handle Ron, if anything happens." He said and received a sigh.

She pushed open the door, resulted in a startled group of people, some immediately stood up, but all eyes were on her, and her belly.

"Hermione…" An almost whisper, so gentle, with emotions definitely more than a tea spoon, our beloved gentleman, Harry Potter. Tears almost dropped but didn't, she was quite emotional for a couple months, she had better control over it now.

"WHAT-" Ron's mouth was covered by George, with one arm holding him still, but years of practice as a professional Quidditch player made him much stronger than a businessman, however, being a professional also means learning how to be calm when needed and unwavering concentration. He struggled for a few times and finally fire was relieved by his wife, Hannah Abbott. Hannah was like a soft, mellow feather, she's the perfect wife for Ron, for he could protect her without thinking and she could absorb all his anger and impulses like the gentle sea.

Harry gave her a hug anyway, he was surprised, shocked, a little upset, he thought to himself, why hadn't she told anyone that she's in this state? Were they not worth trusting to her? But he kept silent for the meantime. They had time, now that she's back, they had all the time in the world now, for they, no, HE, would not let her go just yet.

"Where's Molly?" She said it with a whisper, almost only heard by Harry, whose shoulder she's burying herself in, she had missed this so much. It was like travelling and sleeping in big fancy hotel beds, but eventually, when you get home, your old, messy bed was the only one for you. The mattress had your body shaped embedded, your pillows already in place, no need for arrangement, all you need to do is lean in and let go.

But, she did have to let go. Hermione Granger is now well cared and well nourished, by her 'family'. She could do a lot worse than this.

Harry moved away from her, hands still on her waist, he was not a big guy, but holding Hermione was not at all a trouble. He tried to guide her, but after 5 years, core doesn't change, Hermione would need to say goodbye alone. Off she went, and a silencing charm is placed thoughtfully by Hannah.

"Go ahead, honey." She put the wand back into her pocket, knowing he had to let it out, which she would do a great job knocking some sense into him after he had his emotions out of system, and his logical self came back. She is now the master of silencing charm, scouring Charm and repairing charm.

Her brother-in-laws had talked to her about not spoiling Ronald, but she's the wife, and she liked the fact that she may be the only one who can contain him, and she was a Hufflepuff. As long as Ronald's outburst wouldn't become domestic violence, it should be okay, besides, the worst he had done was breaking the table one time, when he was yelling and slam his fist on the table, other than that, it's usually broken glass when he slams the door sometimes.

And Ronald was so grateful for having Hannah, he appreciated her so much he could not live without her, literally. And the kids are also understanding since their mother basically brainwashed them into believing that their father actually had PMS.

George and Bill was there trying to stop Ron from breaking anything, while Charlie and Harry carefully cushioned some of the places. Percy and Hannah took the children elsewhere, this had almost become a routine.

While Ronald had settled his anger, he covered his face with both his hands, sighing.

"Hannah, is this really happening?"

"Oh, I'm afraid yes, but it's going to be okay." She laid a kiss on top of his head, she had a way of maintaining him that no one could imitate.

Hermione walked out of the door after a while, eyes red but otherwise okay. George immediately found a chair for her, which she took gladly.

"I know you have questions, but now it's not the time. I will answer them in time, but, here, now, I would just like to pay my respect to Molly."

No one would be angry at her, in this state, everyone was still sad enough not to be angry. But, that's going to change very soon. As a knock on the door, indicating that they have a visitor, who is not a family member, nor a friend that they were expecting.

"That, should be my husband." Hermione looked up at Harry, who just stood up to get the door. "Please don't punch him." She gave a weak smile, leaving a very confusing Harry.

As the door opened, it was none other than Draco Malfoy.

...

6 years ago, Hogwarts. 1998, September.

Hermione was finally back in Hogwarts, but could never see it in the same way that she used to. The great hall, was where Voldemort had threatened the whole school, hand in Harry or die. The staircase was where she saw and thought Harry died, where she thought she had just lost her best friend. The hallway, every staircase, classrooms, even the dormitories, have had signs of blood and kills. Dark magic, felt and almost seen.

It's like she was wearing that horcurx again. But still, it was good to feel secure, in these insecure walls. She knew and saw Voldemort, Tom Riddle, or whatever ridiculous names that had used, was gone, finished by her best friend. Her best friend.

She missed him, she also missed Ron, but it's not the same. They were sort of together now, after their kiss, in the Chamber of Secret. It was not a place that you want your first kiss to happen, but it happened, so never mind that. He was now of course, helping at WWWs, but it was not a career he wanted, so he was also playing amateur Quidditch on the side.

But Hermione had known that you have to do your own dirty work, you had to do it yourself, then you knew it's done. Harry was something different. Though he may procrastinate, he will finish the task on his hands, she could trust him doing that, and she believe that he had finished, so far the greatest mission, killing Lord Voldemort.

So she could sleep in this blood stained room. This room where she could still smell human blood, the smell that made her want to forget when she knew the smell of human blood, while reminding her every single time when.

"It's okay, it's okay now, hush, hush, honey, go to sleep." That's the Patil twins, Padma's in Ravenclaw, but for the sake of Parvati, she was relocated here, just to nurse her back to life. She heard it was Padma who wanted to come back and Parvati was just accompanying her, but she was not in a good state, she was at her worst fear, and it would take a lot of time for her to be that dancing girl at the Yule ball.

She understood her completely. Crying was the best way to truly let it out, it was amazing how liquid coming out of your eyes could have such relieving effect on you.

She remembered how she cried when she thought Harry was going to Voldemort, she wanted to go with him. She remembered how she cried when she thought Harry had died, so lifeless in Hagrid's hands. She remembered how she cried when the war was over, and it was all light and sunshine again.

She remembered, she had so many emotions inside her. And now, she had only one.

Tired.

…..

2004, March

As well dressed as always, Malfoy had at least the respect to dress in black, or is it just his personal preference? People inside of the house had no idea how they should feel right now, confused, angry, delighted, surprised. Hermione had come home, but pregnant, she is fine, but she's married to Draco freaking Malfoy.

Harry clenched his fist, trying not to punch him as Hermione had asked. Draco was nice enough to break the ice first.

"Long time no see. Potter. Weasleys." He nodded, gesturing people he should greeted. "And Abbott. I'm assuming you're a Weasley now."

Hannah nodded, with a polite smile. "Yes, indeed. Would you like to come in?" She said, as she was currently Lady of the House. She had a hand on her husbands shoulder, keeping him down, who was too surprised and confused to even react. While the other Weasleys exchanging looks, they understood that Lady of the House should be the one making orders, and Molly made a very good example of it.

"I understand that I'm not welcome, I'm just here to pick up my wife, if she's ready." He smiled warmly at Hermione, which shocked George to the very soul, he thought he's seeing ghost and so did the others.

"I am ready. I've said my goodbyes." Hermione stood up, knowing as Draco would not enter someone's house if he's not allowed, she would have to walk to the door herself. Harry was not pleased. Holding down his own confusion, he rushed through the living room to assist Hermione.

"You really don't have to, I'm not that big." But she took his arm anyway.

"I want to." He said it with words trying to rush off his mouth.

"Harry, I know." She looked down, they were now a few steps to the door, where her husband was waiting. A small piece of paper, with her number on it. Whispering to him "Now you can find me." Then she left him, and to her husband.

He wanted to ask the same question as Ron.

"I will be in town. I'm sorry for your loss." Hermione said, frowning with sadness clouding her own person. Draco stood there, holding her, and giving her a loving kiss to her hair. Hermione seemed loved.

"Let's go. You should eat." Which Draco said, without even looking back.

...

5 years ago, 1999, June.

Hermione chose France, to be her destination. The Ministry of Magic in France had shown a remarkable work of staying in the middle, so it had become the most popular hiding places for people who don't want to get involved in the war. It was the perfect location for her, no one will recognize her expect her fleeing classmates, who will not identify her, and people here lived a nice and slow life, which is exactly what she needed right now.

After a while of travelling, she settled on a small village in Saint-Paul-Trois-Châteaux, it was perfect, she had been a lot of places in France, but this place just give her a feeling of being secure, which she hadn't been for a while.

It was when she was sitting in Le Souline, her new favorite restaurant, she saw Draco Malfoy, wandering the street mindlessly, with her mother, shopping for goods.


	3. House on a Hill

Chapter 3 House on a hill

"I am not afraid

I won't burn out in this place

My intention is to fade and I will, I will" - House on a hill

…

5 years ago, 1999, June.

She looked down immediately, trying not to draw any attention to herself. But nothing could hide from the perceptive eyes of Narcissa Malfoy, especially while she was gathering information for the return of the family and anything that might compromise her location would endanger not only her but her son too.

The Malfoys fled to France to avoid trials, which their fate would be sealed as the Head of the family is number one Death Eater of Voldemort. Narcissa Malfoy knew her son did not deserve any of this, Lucius was too deep into the business, eventually he had to go all in, including their son.

But fate treats everyone equally, much like Death. It could only chase you, but whether you take it or not, is definitely not its fault.

And Lucius Malfoy had no choice but take it, both fate and death surrounded him like cats playing with prey. He died about half a year ago after the war, he was cursed, deadly, the mark on his forearm was almost marked by death himself.

While Draco was not too open towards his father's death, she was certain that it was better for the family to heal, she also knew that, her dear boy might not be far away.

She was worried, of course, but she couldn't do much while her dear son stayed silent. The Malfoys were not famous for being loving and caring. But time had been nice to them, it had given them time to think and work, and it was going to be okay.

Until, Hermione Granger had appeared, seemingly finished with the final year in Hogwarts, but the heaviness on her shoulder, that thin, malnutrition body didn't seem to change over one full year. She was confused and worried, for a good girl like her should deserve a good ending. Therefore, dragging her son with her, she came to her.

...

2004, March.

Draco Malfoy had pulled some strings, so that his family could live in peace, well, at least for a while. His wife is pregnant, and she was still a little emotional, if anything were to harm her, he would be very angry, and he did not know what he might do when he's angry. But he also wouldn't mind a few interviews, if they could settle easily and without being disturbed.

The message was loud and clear, after 5 years of media blockage, he still had a way with it. Mostly learnt from his mother, who was the master of socialites, and had a lot of tricks up her sleeves to keep everyone happy and willingly work for her.

They decided that their first meal in Britain should be at home, not the Malfoy Manor, which is now a ghost manor with many haunted stories, but in Hermione's childhood home. She was unsuitable for apparation, but she wanted to have her first meal there, as a sign that she's home. And he would do anything to please the mother of his child, they took the train, for its steadiness and the scenery, she was barely hungry, but for the sake of her child, she ate some fruit.

Draco was not the perfect husband, but they had the same values, the same rationality, and they felt much better than when they're alone. That's enough for them to start a family, they could do this for the rest of their lives, together.

They've known for a very long time, including the time when he's still young and reckless, do whatever he pleased, and she's afraid and curious, as reckless as he was but in a different ways. How could they not be, while he had his father to cover his childish taunting towards his classmates, and she had the-boy-who-lived, breaking rules never got them into troubles. It took both of them much longer to realize what it took to make something of their own, to have the power to protect themselves and the people who matter to them. But they've always known, that they make each other feel different.

Here they are now, peaceful, loving, warm, and secure, but the scars on them told a story that's different than what they seemed.

The dark mark on his forearm, fading but still there, scars here and there, from when he did not achieve the standards that someone else made for him. The word 'MUDBLOOD' on her forearm, the edge had merged with her own skin, never going anywhere, scars and cuts, some she did to punish herself or just to feel, some carved into her during the war, fighting or being tortured.

Under those clothes shown the people that they've grown into, and they're fine with it.

...

Breathing in the air inside her house, as if it were different from what's outside. It was. To her, her house always had a taste, like morning, she knew that it smelled like this during the war, in Godric's Hollow, visiting the Potters, and when she was homesick for a while, and she smelled morning.

"So, that's the smell on you." Draco said as he put down their luggage, casting a few spells to clean the place up, it wasn't dirty, just a little dusty.

"Mum wants us to take their bedroom, they won't come back, but they still liked it here." Hermione rubbed her stomach, it's true that once the baby moves, it will not stop, unless something's wrong, and she loved every kick of this little guy made.

"Is he being naughty again? He's a feisty one, much like his mother." Draco kissed her on her head, the height different between them is often a thing that Draco like to make fun of, but she got used to it now.

"Yep, an annoying one, much like his father." She had to sit on a couch, even though she often told people she's fine, her body knew better, it's a habit that she couldn't get rid of.

"I'll go unpack." Levitating the luggage with him, "Upstairs. The one in the end of the hallway." She yelled, then lay her head on the couch. She remembers doing it during those long hot summer days. Her dad would fill up the rubber swimming pool, she would play with him and splash him. Her mother, usually just laughing along side, sometimes taking pictures. Not long after that, her dad would pick her up and say "That's all, princess."

After she changed, she would just lay her head back, on the couch, daydreaming. She always fell asleep….

...

5 years ago, 1999, June.

"How surprising to see you here, Ms. Granger." Narcissa put on her hostess smile, which was not intentional but just a little habit that she couldn't get rid of.

Hermione's heart almost skipped a beat. Her heart racing, palms were sweating and she was shaking a little bit, yet Hermione still tried to smile for them.

"Hello, Mrs. Malfoy. Surprised to see the two of you here too." Draco had a little doubt, he had never seen Granger like this. Believe him, he had spent most of his time looking for trouble, which, in his opinions, one of the best thing was to annoy her. She always reacted as he expected, until recent years. She's still interesting enough for him to put in some effort. A little frown on his face, and a smiling face on his mother, which also seemed odd and made Hermione want to run.

"I believe this is not a surprise at all, you must come to dinner tonight, I presume you just arrived, for we haven't seen you around but just today." Narcissa was still standing outside of the restaurant, she didn't want to be paranoid, better deal with this immediately, find out why this Ms. Granger was here, instead of being with the war heroes.

"Well, I'm, um, just wanted some alone time for now." She hasn't talked to anyone for a few days now. That's when Narcissa noticed it, Ms. Granger's hands were pale and shaky, her smile barely holding in. She had no choice but sit down, seeing another damaged soul was not new to her, and she now had the power of making them better.

"Hermione, do you mind if I call you that?" Narcissa smiled warmly, she had learnt that a smile made people smile, tears made people cry, it's not about how you're feeling, it's the urge to reciprocate, and feeling the same as others.

But Hermione was something different, she had learnt that magic too, from a different motherly figure, Molly, and what she had learnt was a little different, smiles made people feel sure. So she did.

Narcissa looked down, knowing what a smile could contain. "You see, Hermione. I recently got a cat."

"A lot of cats." Draco who had been silent for the time being, could not resist to comment on that. His mother had been taking abandoned cats and stray dogs in since they had been here. There were now dozens of cats in their house, literally, and 4 dogs which had lived here until recently, Narcissa found better owners for them.

"Oh, Draco, don't exaggerate." Narcissa jokingly slapped on Draco's hand, and turned her attention back to Hermione, a hand covering her cold ones on the table. "One of them gave a really weird purring sound, I simply don't know what to do, and I'm not quite ready to trust a muggle vet. Would you mind coming to see him? I named him, Darling, as in the little boys in the Peter Pan story."

Perhaps it was the love for cats, or it was Mrs. Malfoy warm hands, it might even be Draco Malfoy's almost ordinary comment on the cats in his house. But Hermione Granger eventually nodded.

"Delightful, would you like to come tonight, around 8?" Narcissa continued, knowing when to push and when to let loose.

"That will be fine." She replied, sheepishly somehow.

"Can I owl you? Or do you prefer I write it down for you?"

"Owls, are, um, currently not a good idea. Here, you can write it down on the napkin." Taking a pen out of her purse, handing it to Narcissa, her hands were less shaky now, perhaps a little warmth was actually what she needed.

As Narcissa wrote down her current address, she still had no idea why she agreed to have dinner with them. The boy who basically bullied her since she was 13, the woman who aided in Harry's fake death, not the mention the father who would literally spit on her if it was not ungraceful.

But Narcissa's warm hands melted the frost on her hands, and she dearly missed Crookshanks. He was left with her parents. She told her parents she needed to be on a mission for the Ministry, she will be in contact but not to mention anything to anyone about her whereabouts, and they took it, apparently she was a better liar than she assumed.

She wanted to be alone, and yet seek company, she was that conflicted.

Her silence was not unnoticed, and Draco Malfoy had better drag his mother away. Now that they have a dinner plan, his mother will stop shopping and come home and prepare, ah, what a life saver Hermione Granger always is.

"Mother, you should start preparing for dinner then, make a nice meal for Granger." He was still standing there, taking all the ornaments his mother had just brought.

"Well, I suppose so. Goodbye for now Ms. Granger, look forward seeing you at dinner." Hermione simply smiled in reply, still a little lost in her own mind.

The mother and son walked away, leaving her in her own little world. Draco couldn't resist but ask, "Why invite her to dinner, the last time you saw someone we know, we moved."

"Oh dear Draco, she's no harm to us, she will not report us, she wanted to fade into the crowd as much as we do." Sighing, it was sad to see that nice girl in that stage. She was like that before, when she was slave to the Voldemort, but she's free now, and she had her son by her side, therefore, had not lost herself in her head like the poor girl did.

"So you decided to take her in, like those cats?" He sensed trouble, his mother was deeply depressed when they first fled to France, but with him and every cat she took in, she was slowly better, perhaps being a mother did that to a person.

"Why, yes. Draco, did you know that if you don't love yourself, you cannot love. However, if no one loves you, how can you love yourself? A Person is weak, but, people, may make a difference." Narcissa smiled like the first sun rise in winter, so warm and mellow, Draco sensed that there might be another cat in their house.

...

6 years ago, Christmas. 1998.

She decided to stay in Hogwarts. She had a lot to do. Not that she had a place to go if she had decided to go home. Hogwarts sure was nice enough. Enough books, food, drinks, especially when she had a habit of having a glass of white wine every night, if she had gone home, that's no wine for her for a long time.

She knew it wouldn't help her sleep, but being a little tipsy did a lot. She hasn't had a good night sleep since… a while, it's been a while.

She had company in school, not a lot, mostly the Patil twins and Luna. She was not surprised, almost all Ravenclaw came back, with that thirst for knowledge, they had to come back and finish school, there's no library quite like Hogwarts'.

6th year and 7th year's classes were blended together, expect some advanced classes. Lessons were more like a routine to Hermione now. Wake up, freshen up, breakfast, classes, lunch, classes, tea, study revision and homework, dinner, wine. Accompanied or not.

She nearly felt content. But still, the tiresome feeling, the dullness, the heaviness on her, made her tired and frustrated. Whenever she does, she writes and writes, letters, diary, on her new laptop from her parents.

Speaking of whom, they're furious but understanding. Their words exactly were "We understand, but we are angry, finish your school and when you come back, we will talk." Always the calm and logical parents of all time, and their daughter had mastered that logic as well.

The most haunting thing would've happened if they caught her drinking even if she's of age. Besides, there were no strict law for under age drinking in the magical world, potions and draughts made it almost impossible unless you want to get drunk yourself, and Hermione did.

Drunk, the best feeling so far. Better than partying (we all know she's not a party girl), better than laughing in between Harry and Ron, better than that kiss. But the rush and adrenaline when they finally figured out what Voldemort was doing, where his horcruxes were, that sudden burn of blood inside of her, that's something required a lot of wine to relive.

Silence. Is not peace. She had known recently, that she wanted silence, but not peace, no homework served the puzzles of horcruxes, no exercises served the running and camping and fleeing and killing that death eater who tried to kill Harry.

Punish. Tortured. Terrified. Dark. Run. Lied. Hurt. Why? Why? Kill. Yes. Finally. Punish.

Her Christmas gift to herself, a long, fine cut on her upper thigh.


	4. Light me Up

Chapter 4 'Light me Up

"I've got it on my mind to change my ways,

But I don't think I can be anything other than me,

No, I don't think I can be anything other than me." - 'Light me Up

…

2004, March.

Immediately after he left the Burrow, Harry Potter used the number and texted Hermione for dinner, which he got a reply not long after sending. They are having dinner at Hermione's childhood home, tonight, at 7:30, address attached, and she did not want to be bother for now. He was actually nervous, seeing Hermione after he had spent so much time trying to find her.

He had taken the job McGonagall had offered him, since Auror training takes up a lot of time and he realised he hated fighting. He's probably the first DADA professor that lasted more than 5 consecutive years.

His favourite moments are taking points from Slytherin, but he's a good and fair professor, meaning he had also taken points from Gryffindor too. He might even have taken more points from his own house than the others, for the reckless things those little bastards did. Made him remember who he used to be in school, and it was pure joy.

He tried not to live in the past, he fought for this life after all. But there's something in Hogwarts that made him wander, mesmerising him, he could almost see Hermione by the library, and those really are the good-old-days.

He was not that angry at Hermione, but he always had a burning hatred towards Malfoy. The rivalry of the houses, his cowardliness for planning and yet failing to kill Dumbledore, they were so fundamentally different, they either hate each others for life or become best friends, there's no way in between that could've applied to them, and after years of practice of hating each other, it would take a lot more to do the former.

He wanted to punch Malfoy so badly once he saw him. The younger self of him simply wouldn't allow him to let the biggest git on earth get away with stealing his best friend, impregnated her with his child and standing there to come get Hermione, at Molly's funeral.

Sometimes he envied Ron for having Hannah there to calm him, because Hermione used to do that, stopping them from doing stupid things, being the logical one in the trio, he had a hard time letting Hannah fill the spot of Hermione, but Ronald really is a better man around her, and he accepted her.

However, Hermione's the one who always makes Harry felt better. He was an distrusting child for so long, his uncle and aunt, his classmates, teachers, the world. But Hermione trusted him, and he trusted her. Therefore, he did not punch Malfoy that time, tonight would be a different story, if he said something stupid and annoying, he would try not to hit him in the face.

...

5 years ago, 1999, June.

The Malfoys had a villa in France, strike that, they had a lot of villas in France, but this was not one of them. This is their origin, where their home was. Seemingly, they moved to Britain a few generations ago, but they kept this house.

It was almost nothing compared to their manor in Britain, 5 bedrooms, with bathrooms included, a library, a living room, a kitchen, a basement, an attic and a garden. That's all. Simple and neat, Narcissa loved it. She would basically love any house with a garden, as long as it's big enough for her favorite flower, daisy. So small and delicate, and yet so strong and beautiful.

Just like Hermione, some how. But that flower was dying, damaged, and she's a gardener, what gardener would she be if she just let her die.

It might be a little brutal, but every flower needs a trim to live, cut off the dying parts and regrow into something good. So, that night at dinner, she told Hermione that there were no bathrooms expect in the guests bedrooms, which is true, and that they are redecorating them, which is a lie. And off Hermione went upstairs.

And she tripped, broke her ankle. That's when Draco started fear for his life, for his mother would do that just to keep Hermione for a while.

Narcissa took full responsibility for Hermione's injury of course, and she moved her into one of the bedrooms, right in between hers and Draco's.

Hermione was so determined to go back, but in the hands of Narcissa Malfoy, she didn't stand a chance. The motherly scolds and rules almost like Molly, but more subtle and so devious. Like after she broke her ankle and was forced to stay in bed for the first three days, which she understood and hoping after these three days she could move back to her apartment, then she was informed by Narcissa that it was flooded and it might take weeks or even months to be ready for her.

And then, her clothes were magically (literally), lost in the flood. She kept telling Narcissa that she's okay and could take care of herself, but those guilty eyes and silently stroking her cats while asking "Really?" had effectively put Hermione in the well made bed by Narcissa Malfoy.

This was the start of the second week of Hermione's stay.

"Hey." Draco Malfoy knocked the door while opening it, didn't really serve its purpose, but okay.

"Yes?" Hermione was not as afraid as when the war had just ended, she'd spent a week in Hogwarts, listening to children crying themselves to sleep and some although returned but still needed treatments every weeks. She had a full year to understand, relive and process and finally came to acceptance towards what happened.

Draco Malfoy was awfully quiet during these days. Narcissa was nice and forceful, always knew when to stop or open a new discussions. They had already talked about cats, books, gardening, weather, and their childhood, weirdly.

"Hey? Granger?" Draco asked again, she was like this all the time, in her own world, could not be pulled back or captured.

"Sorry. Yes?" She replied, looked directly into his eyes, just as how her mother had taught her.

"Mother wanted me to get something for dinner, and she thought it might be good exercise for you. Do you want to come? " This right here, is the most he had said to her in 2 weeks.

"Um, I'm not sure." She gave him an apologetic smile to him, she had gotten used to smiling with her exercises with Narcissa, that woman had a really pretty smile, and she felt like it would be impolite to not smile while talking to her. In all truthfulness, she was tired of smiling.

"It's okay if you don't want to smile." That's how he dropped bombs on people. Time froze, that moment, while she was looking right into his eyes, when she was simply telling him she didn't want to go shopping with him.

...

2004, March

Harry arrived exactly at 7:30, he wanted to come early, but he was afraid he would have to do the small talk with Draco freaking Malfoy, and he might punch him or hit him in the nuts.

He smelled dinner, that wonderful smell when Hermione cooks, Molly was the mother among them, but Hermione made the best pancakes.

Just as he knocked, of course Draco Malfoy answered the door. He stood there, as if it was his spot all along, but they both knew Harry was the one who had been there for the first 18 years, but Draco was in the recent 5 years.

Awkwardness and the tension that could only be broke by one single punch.

"Potter."

"Malfoy."

"Come in." He said, remembering something that his wife had said early, and then added. "Please."

Harry was widely uncomfortable now. "Sure." As he walked in and took off his coat.

"Thought I heard you." He than received a big hug from Hermione and a kiss on the cheek .

"Ahem." a little protest from Draco, still, there was no man in France would dare touch his wife.

"Do you want air for dinner for the next 3 weeks?" Hermione laid a careful and curious look on Draco, and he was ready to admit defeat, a white flag, if he had any. He had no choice but continue to make the table while she finished cooking.

It was interesting to see Draco Malfoy defeated in daylight, well, 7:30.

"You can go sit on the couch, there's no cable yet, we just came back, you know, but there's magazines." She smiled warmly. "And dinner's almost finished, so sit tight."

And so, Harry proceed to sit on the couch while Malfoy prepared the table that has already been made, but refused to go sit with Harry, and Hermione in the kitchen, finishing the meals with a little extra seasoning.

An awkward silence in the living room and the dining room, while Hermione hummed mindlessly in the kitchen, she had heard that classical music helps the baby's development, but she just wanted him to learn her favourite song first thing in the world.

As Hermione hummed, a little, lyrics came out here and there, " and when you speak angels sing, from above hummmmmmm….."

"Hey, do you know what that song is? He had officially sat down on the table, he's not sitting on the couch.

"Yeah, that's La vie en Rose." He replied, he remembered Hermione singing it to him when they were on the run, once, after that night they had danced, he had a nightmare the next day, dreaming about Voldemort taking away his current only happy memory, dancing with Hermione. And she sang, and the nightmare went away, he couldn't remember precisely what she sang, but he knew she sang.

"As in, rosy life?" Draco raised an eyebrow, he had heard her sing, heard other people sing, but he's still a little rookie on the computer department, and Hermione insisted that she's not telling him what the song is.

"You could say that, but no one translates it." His tone, challenging, as if he was stupid.

"Why, thank you, Potter." He had never wanted to fight so much in the past 5 years, expect when Hermione argued with him, however, he would never hurt a woman, nonetheless she's the woman he loves.

"Boys, I can hear you." Hermione yelled from the kitchen, "And dinner's ready, come get it, Drake."

"Drake!?" Harry almost snapped, but kept it undertone.

"Coming, love." Draco stood up to get dinner, usually he would be in the kitchen with her, but today, Hermione already set ground rules for him, be polite, keep Harry company, and do not swear. Or air for dinner for the next 3 weeks.

Harry walked towards the table after Draco had gone for Hermione, sat down where a new sets of plates and utensils were placed. Head in his hands, thinking, could he survive this without Hermione hating him?

As the couple had food levitating, Hermione sure cooked a lot, main courses, salads, soups, deserts, she could be a spitting image of Molly if she had a cheap apron and a bunch of gingers surrounding her.

"You never had nickname for me." Harry asked, like a little child seeing his brother with a lollipop, which made Hermione chuckle, he always made her mother instincts leak through.

"What can I call you? Har? Ryio? Maybe you could change your name to Henry, then I'll be always calling you by nickname." She sat down comfortably, magic had made her life so much easier, especially when pregnant.

"Always the cheeky one. Dinner looks great, 'Mione." Harry said, trying his best not to even glance at Draco freaking Malfoy.

"Always the motherly one, this one tries to force so much food in me, while she's the one who's not eating." Draco scoffed, she was so thin when he first met her, and now her appetite was hard to change, she did eat more for the baby, but not much more."

"How have you been really? Or, where have you been?" Harry asked, he should've taken the job as an Auror, the training should be better than being a DADA professor.

"Harry, it's my first day back. I told you I will answer all your questions, just, I don't want to repeat the same thing over and over again." Hermione spread a gentle smile on her face, she had gotten pretty good at it, learning from Narcissa.

"K, 'Mione, I'm just worried and, I wanted to know if you're okay." Harry was dying to know what happened, how she ended up with Malfoy, where had she been all these years, knowing Hermione, she wouldn't let herself stop.

"Thank you, Potter, I've been taking care of her since she came into my life, so need to worry." And Draco continued to eat the delicious meal his wife had cooked, cooking and devious social skills were two things Hermione had gotten pretty good at from his mother.

"I'm not talking to you." Harry finally eyed Draco for the first time since he had gotten into the house.

"You seemed to have a lot of questions, my wife here is tired, but I wouldn't mind answering questions even if I have to repeat them over and over again." He was just being protective, they've been living in their own world for so long, now he realized there were a lot of men in his wife's life.

"Draco." Hermione immediately warned him, she had expected this to happen, just not so fast.

Draco looked at her, as if saying, he started it! Hermione sighed, tugged a few strands of hair behind her ears, as if it was the current crisis in her dining room.

"Okay, Harry you have questions, I understand that, and since that you are here, and I love you," which immediately received a glare from her husband, "I love him like I love Narcissa, Draco. So, Harry, I guess you have the right to know before anyone else." Her warm eyes provided greater comfort than the fireplace in winter.

Harry knew he had to give in to Hermione, everything for Hermione.

"As long as we have dinner in peace." She smiled, knowing the two boys would behave now.

"Okay." They said in union, then started a staring contest.

"Do you have questions or not?" Hermione snapped, her emotions were quicker in hand than before.

"Yes, first questions, where have you been?" Harry asked, he already had a few guesses, but just to be sure.

"Saint-Paul-Trois-Châteaux, Frances. We've actually seen you there, so we took a little vacation somewhere else." She remembered her heart pounding, like the time she was chased by professor Lupin, she had feared for her life, and yet a weird hint of hope mixed with the emotion, made it even more exciting.

"Ahem, then why don't you want to see us? Owls couldn't even get to you." He protested a little, while Draco ate his dinner in peace, just as Hermione told him to.

"I don't want to see anyone of you, because," She let out a long breathe. " I had a little trouble back then, 5 years ago. I wanted to get out. It's not about anyone, and I'm not ready to tell. Since then, I was residing in the Malfoy's villa, and they were under media blockage, untraceable, expect the information they needed and approved can come in. We just started getting all mail last week, and it's then I knew what happened to Molly. I'm sorry." She plead with him.

There was a moment of silence, it seemed that he was trying to figure something out.

"Are you happy?" He probed, hoping the answer was not what he knew.

"I am. It's not what I would've done, but then I wouldn't have known, wouldn't have known Draco, and Narcissa, there's also a friend too, Charlotte, and finally, this little guy. And it would be horrific."

"You've been saying we way too many times, 'Mione." Harry, ever the soft and cuddly guy, mischievous at time, loving at heart.

"Okay, that's enough questions for the day." Draco could not be more unsettling to interrupt.

"Was he always this jealous?" He asked, ignoring his existence completely, as he always will.

"Oh, there's not much competition in France." She smirked, the trademark Malfoy smirk, and Draco was there to gloat.

"I'm not being friends with him." He said.

"I know. But you can be friends with Charlotte." She suggested.

"No, he's not." Draco commented.

"Is she hot?" He asked.

"Well, she's almost forty, but, yes." She replied.

And it was nice, that they could have dinner in peace.

...

5 years ago, 1999, June.

That night Hermione got drunk. After Malfoy told her not to smile, it was like she got hit by a bus, by a truck, by something huge and it hit her with such high speed. She started panting, for air, for life.

Draco tried to rush to her side, thinking she might be having some sort of attack.

"Pa-Paper bag." She cringed, hands around herself, nails deep inside her own arm. Draco had no other way but accio one paper bag. But Hermione was almost in hysteria, couldn't even bend her own fingers to let go. It was good that Draco at the very least knew the paper bag was for her to breathe.

She tried to control herself, counting for one minute in her head, regulate her breathing, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

It took around half an hour for her to settle, to let go of herself. Her arms were bleeding.

Getting cloth to put pressure on it, Draco was just about to call someone.

"Don't." Her breathing was light, as if her trachea was constricted. "Pl-ease." Her face pale, blue spots started to appear around her lips, telling anyone with eye-sight that she was oxygen deprived.

"My mother will kill me." He responded, he didn't want to alert anyone unnecessary, but his mother was definitely necessary.

"I, will kill you." She regained control her own body again. Taking her hands out from the cover, as if counting to see if she had lost any of her fingers. Her nails were a little blue, but she had been panting for half an hour, it was acceptable.

Putting a few fingers on her neck, she counted. Heart rate a little fast, but okay. Using the back of her hand to test her own temperature, not too hot. Warming her hands, she pressed on one of her fingers, the nail went white and back to pink, with a little blue surrounding it. Capillary refill okay.

"This has happened to you before." He concluded.

"Yes." She replied.

What was done was done, he had seen it. There's no use hiding it. And she appreciated he replied with silence.

"You want me not to tell my mother." His head tilted a little higher.

"Yes!" She frowned, she hated Slytherin, always trying to make a deal.

"Get up, we are doing grocery shopping." He stood up, it was not nice seeing his guest always in bed.

"I'm not ready." Just as he was about to go out of her bedroom, she shouted. Looking up, thinking.

"I'll give you an hour." He replied. With a smile that had not shown for a while.

Knowing she had no way around it. She slowly stepped on the floor. She should get changed. And a lot of liquor.


	5. Miss Nothing

Chapter 5 Miss Nothing

"And I don't know where I've been

And I don't know what I'm into

And I don't know what I've done to me" - Miss Nothing

…

2004, March

"And you let her off with she's happy!?" Ron yelled, as always, perhaps it was the sense of justice, for him or someone, he's always loud.

"She's happy mate, I saw it, someday you'll see it." Harry sometimes wondered how Hermione was always angry at Ron, and after she left, he had a little first-hand experience.

"It's Draco Malfoy! How did he not get a trial when he came back, huh?" Ron was angry, face as red as his hair, it was his day-off, no practice, but Hannah had to take the kids to their annual check up, which left him alone.

"Well, turns out his parents were already dead. And he actually didn't have any charges on him, most were pointed towards Lucius, so…" He just wanted to eat in silence, it's Thursday, after his lunch break, he had to deal with those year 3 students and they lack patience.

"I just couldn't understand, mate!" Ronald kept shoveling food inside him as if dust on fire.

"You will come to term, and now I have a class to prepare, dinner this Saturday, right?" He gathered himself, putting on the coat that Molly got him last fall.

"Yeah, nice teaching."

…

5 years ago, Market. 1999, June

"So, you came. Isn't it nice, to have fresh air." These days, Draco Malfoy only talks when it's necessary or interested or sarcastic purpose, and now, it was neither.

"Stop talking." Hermione had a big bag of groceries with her, Narcissa was thrilled when she had agreed to go out, she looked depressed in the room, which she was, but it did not seem appropriate when she was a guest at someone else's house.

She was so afraid at times, she didn't even notice. The worst part would probably be, she didn't know what she was afraid of.

After her first cut, it was like the dark in her would leak through her blood, she could effectively feel pain. The noise in her head stopped, the voice that whispered sweet nothing to her ears, drawing her a beautiful picture of death, had stopped.

She chose her upper thigh, so no one will ever see these cuts. She knew how deep to cut that would not leave scars, but deep enough to feel pain. She almost cut too deep one time, because she was crying, and it took a little more to feel, to hurt more than the heartache. That left a scar, like a crescent moon.

She liked being in her own thoughts now. It was safe and no one to judge. She used to be introverted. Not by choice but by nurture. And then, nurture shows its power, made her a defender for her beliefs.

But that was long ago. She started to notice, once she was alone, without Harry and Ron. She could just be in her books, and she was so happy. She hadn't said anything to anyone, just did her own things, and it was good. But after a while of not talking to anyone, it was only natural to not know what to say, and the fear of saying something wrong.

Like the time she tried to teach Ron the spell, and it turned out to be a wrong decision.

She missed cutting. She could not cut under Narcissa supervision, she's still caring for her leg, even though she only broke her ankle. And it was not a good idea to drink, after she had a little breakdown.

The two walked in silence, weirdly comfortable.

…

5 years ago, January, 1999.

"Hermione it was so good to have you for the weekend." Molly kissed her on both cheeks.

Since they were of age, eighth years can basically come and go for Hogwarts, as long as they had enough attendance.

Molly was devastated Hermione didn't come during Christmas, but the first weekend of new year, she's having a little gathering, because none of her sons could take the holiday off.

"It is good to be here." She smiled, her heart pounding for no reason. She thought she could get use to it, but apparently, you can't.

"Well, you know how to get around here, I think Harry was up stairs, you could go meet him."

"Um.." Thinking that it would be suspicious if she didn't. "Sure, I'll go, we haven't met for so long." She smiled, she had practised it in front of the mirror, knowing it was good.

"Of course, dear, I've prepared some tea, you can take that up stairs too." Molly patted her on her cheek, figuring had she lost weight, she should cook more dinner tonight.

…

2004, April

"Ah, the news was up." She quietly drank her milk, it's true that you need more protein while you're pregnant, she wanted this child too be fat and cute.

"You knew it was going to come out." He kissed her on the top of her head, he was making pancakes.

"Yes, but I was a little scared, I guess." They have developed this kind of therapeutic talk in France, they would say how they feel, mostly because Draco had forced her to.

"Hey, you're making good progress." Putting down his pancakes, he came to her side, in return he got a kiss lightly on the lips. "I know, go back to cooking, it'll burn."

…

5 years ago, January, 1999.

In the room, is not Harry, but Ron. Technically, not just Ron, but another girl, she had never met.

They broke apart, once they saw Hermione. They were frantic, and startled, compared to Hermione's still and stone-cold expression.

"Her-Hermione." Ron seemed to have a speech prepared somewhere, as he opened his mouth, she sensed that he had practised this.

"No." She said, just like it was none of her business, and it probably wasn't. "I came here to find Harry. Molly said he's here."

The girl was scared, but she was not the kind of girl who back down, "I'm Sharma, Linda Sharma. I just moved here."

"You don't need to explain anything." She glanced at her, and decided to put her focus on Ron. "I'm here to find Harry." She tried to stand tall and remained calm for this.

Ronald cursed under his breathe, pushed his slightly messed hair back. "Seriously!? Hermione? This is your reaction? While I'm kissing another girl, this is your reaction? You're here to find Harry!?"

She remained silence, trying to put some logic in her mind. She had kissed Ronald, once, during the battle. She had spent the summer helping the rebuild of Hogwarts, and spent regular time with Ronald, in which they kissed once more, after dinner in the Burrow. She had mailed him, around once a month, meaning they only mailed each other three times during her time in Hogwarts.

She had mailed Harry every week, mostly it was Harry talking about Auror training, how excited and thrilled it was. But he was deciding whether he really wanted to become an Auror…

"Hermione Granger!" Ronald had brought her back from her own thoughts. "You know we could just end this. You can not be here if you didn't want to!" He was angry, he was definitely angry. When he was on the run, he felt left out because of the horcurx, however, it was indeed his fear. He was not smart or a saviour like Harry. He was insecure, but that's normal.

Now, he was really left out. Hermione was distant, should he had gone to school just like Hermione? No, because he didn't like school and he could survive just fine.

Hermione on the other hand, she wanted to study, and he suspected what she wanted to do might require a higher degree, but she never told him. He knew he was slow on the writing, but they were technically together, and he wanted a little more attention than just letters, besides, seniors of age could go out without permissions, why wouldn't Hermione want to meet him.

They were probably finally thinking of the same thing now, but the differences were that Hermione knew and Ronald didn't.

Ronald didn't understand, Ronald wouldn't understand, he would walk away, he would not see her anymore. If he knew she cut and drink.

Hermione looked away, hands around her, she was barely shaking, and it was barely visible to the others.

"Hey, hey, Hermione, I love you. I really do." Ron tried to come closer to her, but she just kept backing down. A few steps towards her and he stopped.

"Hermione, listen, I want this to work. We barely see each other, but I understand that you're still in school. I'll wait, okay. I'll wait for you to come back, then we'll have all the time we need." He softened, he kissed another girl, and it's Hermione we're talking about, he shouldn't push too hard.

She looked down, which Ronald took as a sign of agreement. Letting out a sigh, he sat back down on his bed. That witch probably took off once Ron had said I love you to Hermione, which was easier to have one less thing to deal with.

"I want to see Harry." She whispered, and Ronald frowned, and thought she probably needed a friend now.

"He's next door, I took Bill's bedroom, my room will be saved for Harry for now." He said, he never had a relationship, snogging Lavender Brown was not a relationship, just a fling. But Hermione and him could have something permanent, and he wanted to try.

…

2004, April

Hermione was ready for her check up, after 7 months, she should be checked every 3 weeks, and she already took some time off. Back in France, she had already found a healer, knowing they will be back soon, but they hadn't anticipated Molly's death, which turned the clock a little faster than expected.

She was surprised to know that Seamus was now a healer, a good one at that. The boy who kept burning things and exploding everywhere was now a top healer, 5 years had passed after all. She contacted him, and he was bound by law to keep it confidential.

Still, it was good to see another friendly face.

"So, Hermione, or do you prefer me to call you Mrs. Malfoy." He jokingly said.

"Actually I kept my maiden name." A little mischief sparkled in her eyes, since her pregnancy, her mood had been so much better. "But, do call me Mrs. Malfoy, if you're comfortable."

"Okay, Hermione." He admitted defeat, he liked seeing his friends, but usually they came here for treatment, so he usually was worried. Seeing Hermione, healthy and pregnant was good enough for him. "You child is perfectly healthy, heart rate normal, fetal movement normal, though your fundal height was a little large, but that might be due to an excessive amniotic fluid, your weight gain was normal, so I wouldn't worry about it." He carefully checked her report, there was no signs of abnormality.

"Thank you." She protectively surrounded her child.

"We have the sex of the baby, but I see that you don't want to know." Seamus could never believe Hermione would have married Draco Malfoy back then, but seeing her just as all the mothers he'd met, Hermione was fine and happy.

"Oh, we already know. Draco had a bet with me." She smiled, he was so convinced that it was going to be a boy, he reckoned he didn't need the results, but she's the mother, it's a girl, so they had a bet.

"I see. Still the arrogant git. How did you survive that son of a bitch?" He was half joking now, he had read the news, the interview had the perfect return for the Malfoys, happily married, wife pregnant, she's the war heroine, their business was to be bloomed in the following month, and in every aspects possible.

But he's her friend, and he had learnt not to believe anything until you heard the person for real.

"Well, if you give enough praise, you can eventually tame the dragon." She smiled, "Just like the hippogriff." She thought to herself, Draco was arrogant at surface, but he's just insecure, if you give enough, he wouldn't need to be arrogant. But the recent encounter with Harry had him a little more insecure, she might need to do something.

"Then, congratulations, and you are good to go. See you in 2 weeks?"

"Yes, sure."

…

5 years ago, January, 1999.

She knocked, and walked in. Seeing Harry sitting on his/Ron's bed, uncomfortably.

"Hey, I heard arguing, but I'm wasn't sure I should go in." He smiled, a little awkwardly, he's the boy who lived and lived, but Hermione Granger was the only one he feared.

"Ron was kissing another girl."

"He WHAT? I'm going to go kill him now." He said, jumping off the bed, wand taken out from his back pocket.

"Oh, no, Harry, no. I came to talk to you about something else." Hermione grabbed his arm immediately, the last thing she wanted was this.

"No, Hermione, I wasn't here all the time because of the training, but I've never heard of some girl, meaning, he's not serious, and he's being a jerk." Harry wouldn't dare to escape Hermione's grips, but he's going to try.

"So Auror training teaches logical thinking." She joked, it was the first time she had joked or even chuckled in 6 months.

"Yes, it also teaches me sometimes wands may not have the best outcome, I've also practiced how to use my fist." He half joked, he would use those fists if given the circumstances.

"Hey, sit down, I want to talk to you." She walked towards the bed first, laying out some silencing charm in the meantime. And Harry could only silently followed her footsteps.

After settling down, Hermione started to panic, maybe she shouldn't start off the first time they met after so long with a bomb. Not sure what to do now, Hermione brushed her face tenderly with one hand, and nervously playing with the end of her dress with another. She thought she could talk to Harry, about her problems, about her drinking, maybe even about her cutting. Harry was sensible, Ron's irrational, Harry's calm, and understanding, Ron isn't.

But she's sensible, and yet she didn't understand, and it was her mind and her body, should she really expect Harry to understand.

Receiving a questioning look from Harry, she thought she should reply.

"It was really nothing but I do want some advice." She smiled, adding a nervous chuckle at the end of the sentence, which only made Harry more doubtful. Hermione always knows what to do, she always knows what's right. Harry wasn't sure how much advice he could give her. But he also learnt from Auror training that he should keep silence for her to continue talking.

"I was, um, drinking." She looked at him, hoping for some response, but he seemed only more doubtful, as if there's more to that story. Therefore, she proceed with more details. "A lot, I think."

"You think, you have a drinking problem..?" He asked, unsure.

"I don't know…" She finally looked down, it shouldn't be like this, she should be relieved after telling him a piece of the whole story, but she knew better, her mind knew better. Tell him, tell him the truth and lose a friend and truly be alone. A voice inside her, mocking, a little laugh, insane, just like Bellatrix.

"It's probably nothing. I just wasn't sure." Hermione smiled, a smile that she had practised in front of a mirror, a smile she had to practice in front of a mirror.

"You weren't sure that you have a problem?" Harry asked again, feeling like there's more to that, but if Hermione didn't feel comfortable enough to talk about it yet, he should wait.

"Yes, I'm not sure, but you know what, I'm just going to drink less." Hermione was holding back, thinking silently how Ron kissing another girl had not had any effect on her. "It was hard to sleep in the castle sometimes." She thought this could be a good excuse.

Harry nodded understandingly, she knew Harry would know. He put an arm around her, letting her head land comfortably on his shoulder, "Hermione, it's okay, a little drink never hurts, and you're of age." He said. "I trust you to do the right thing."


	6. Make me wanna die

p class="p1"span class="s1"Chapter 6 Make me wanna die/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1""Taste me, drink my soul/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Show me all the things that I shouldn't know/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"And there's a blue moon on the rise" - Make me wanna die/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"…/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"1999, Jan/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"He trusted her to do the right thing. Was she? Was she doing the right thing? It didn't seem like it at the moment, but Harry trusted her to do the right thing. Hermione reinforced herself, you can do this, you have approval. Focus, focus./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Dinner was awful. Molly's cooking was beautiful as usual, but the atmosphere surrounded was awful, Ron didn't talk, inhaled his food as always, Hermione didn't talk, Ron took it as a sign that she was still angry, but trying not to spill it at dinner, which he's grateful. But the truth to be told, was that Hermione was simply trying to focus, to think, what's the right thing to do./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Harry was angry and confused, if Hermione wasn't angry at Ron, what happened. He dared not ask or show any distaste. Being an Auror was so difficult, not showing his true emotions, always thinking and plotting, he thought he could get rid of those by now. He had written to Hermione multiple times, telling her he wasn't sure if Auror was the right path for him. Hermione always replied with she trusted Harry to be the best at anything that was thrust upon him, and he still had time to thoroughly think this through./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"The dinner table was awfully silent, Molly desperately wanted some children around, but she knew better to push./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"The first month of 1999, the first dinner they had together, they all had different things on their own minds./span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"…/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"2004, April./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She hated it, she hated the press, she hated that her stomach was so big, she hated the feeling of new spring, the temperature was going up. She had never been so uncomfortable in her whole life./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Draco knew it was just the pregnancy talking, they also had more irritable days to come. But Hermione was mildly irritated all the time, and then severely irritated at some points. Most importantly, he had no idea what to do./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"In more sensible times, Hermione had already told him that pregnancy will drive her crazy, she will be angry and sad and happy at the same time, her whole body swelled up, sweating and uncomfortable, all her organs were pressed together for the sake of the baby. She's going to be uncomfortable./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"He didn't need to worry or do anything, because honestly there's nothing he could do to make it better. He just needed to understand, and let it slide./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"But Draco Malfoy, would not rest until it was all okay. Slytherins were not hard workers because hard work did not guarantee success, they had better ways and better brains. And now, his brain was useless for not being able to think. The good thing was, it was getting closer the to labour day, so her uncomfortable days were into count down./span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"…/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"1999, July./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"After their first date, as Draco had said, Hermione had officially moved in, because struggling in front of Narcissa Malfoy would not have any effect. She was invited to breakfast with them, had her own room, Narcissa had brought her all new clothes, and she now officially had her own cup, which she brought that time with Draco./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"That cup might be the thing that truly struck Hermione the idea that, she now lived with them./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Since her arrival, the villa also made a few changes, Narcissa was an open woman, she accepted a guest and now she intended to make her family, and being a family meant there will be changes. It's like she had a girl now, and it made her happy./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Her room was now painted blue, a light color blue, almost translucent, not the warm red she had back home, and not like Draco who surprisingly didn't have a green wall but grey, and Narcissa an elegant purple. Her cup also matched her wall, they had the same designed cups anyway, Draco just said furnitures and tablewares should match or it would just be ridiculous, he was weirdly sensitive towards it, Hermione thought she would go along with it for now./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"And now, every morning she had a cup of coffee waiting for her at the table, some mornings after she was drunk and she really needed the coffee. Narcissa never asked any questions, and it had been driving Hermione crazy, was that how Slytherins extract information? By driving them crazy so they had to tell you eventually? Hermione never received a rejecting gesture, a negative comment, not even a misinterpreted sly smile. It was weird, uncomfortable and yet she fitted, here, with them./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Simply because they never asked questions, and it, drove her crazy./span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"…/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"1999, February, specifically Valentine's day/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She still couldn't understand, her room-mates used to say 'you will understand when you have someone.' and off they went, with the prettiest dress they have, the prettiest charms they could think of, the prettiest smile on their face. It was unbearable./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Today, she had someone, technically, she had no one, and technically, she did have someone./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Ronald sent flowers, said it would match the perfume he gave her before, asking her out for a date. And yet she declined, knowing he would be mad, and added 'I want us to have all the time we have when we graduate. Please be patient for now.' She had heard from Harry that he didn't receive it well at first, but after the whole family knocked sense into his head, he had to have something./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Moreover, almost sensing his dissatisfaction, a letter came, he was offered a position in a international team, he would have to pass the trainings and compete with a few others, but his prospect was good./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Her prospect wasn't. She had started to think about what she had written right after she sent that letter. All the time they have? What time did they have? What time was this? Him, training, she making dinner, maybe pregnant with a little Weasley. She felt chills./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"On Valentine's day, Hermione got especially drunk. It was a Sunday, she had class tomorrow, she shouldn't have gotten this drunk. But, she felt surrounded. Trapped. By these pink little bubbles that seemed to fill the whole castle, these loving whispers, letters travelled from a long long way, this love, from people, from Ronald, suffocating./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She started to not making any sense after the 8th drink, she had a pretty tolerant body now. It was more fun, because it was harder for her to have fun. She liked challenges this much. And she hated love this much. The 8th drink, the 8th full glass of white wine. The elf was also willing to help, and she made notes to herself to pay them in any way possible./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She was drunk, she was so drunk, she couldn't realize her breathing was changing, her heart beating, her brain mushed into a puddle, her hand trembling. Why was this so hard? Why? Why could this be hard? She saw couples, walking down the street, hand in hand, happy. She couldn't even be with someone, not hand in hand, strolling down the street just trying to smile./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Why would someone want love from her? Why would someone think there would still be love in her?/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Because she didn't tell anyone. Because she could do the right thing. Because she was stubborn. Because she should be ashamed./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Scream, not scream, scream, not scream. She had a corner in the kitchen now, because the elf was nice enough to know she didn't want to be bothered, moreover, she didn't want to be seen./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"A corner, secluded, it had more than enough space. A couch, a few cushions, a blanket and a little table by it, hidden by curtains. She now knew why people want elves to be slaves, because they are well-trained, good at observation and know how to make people satisfied, even if some people need to be satisfied by seeing another living soul hurt. Elves./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"A little cutter. On her hand. In a fetal position, she lay. The first cut immediately drew blood, and she knew she cut too deep. But it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt. The second one lighter, because she didn't want to leave scars, but blood still came out too quickly. The third, the forth, the fifth./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Only question she had now, only one she could think of, was why weren't tears coming?/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"…/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"1999, July/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She couldn't stand the silence, why couldn't she stand the silence? She used to think she had already gotten used to them, it was unacceptable, just how big and silent the house was./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"This house, this villa to be exact, was too big. She couldn't get her apartment back, because it was flooded months ago, and no one was fixing it. She got company, the cats. Malfoy wasn't lying, there were a lot of cats in this house. A dozen was already too much, but Narcissa got more and more by picking them up in the streets. Hermione got pretty close with Darling, and his friend, June, because Narcissa picked her up in June, apparently./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Darling loved sleeping by Hermione's side, whenever she opened the door, there's little Darling, sometimes June would be there too./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"And, yet, cats were all there were in this house. After Hermione thought she had officially walked in, after many silent breakfast, cats were all there were./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"They seemed to disappear, suddenly, from their own home. She thought they might be out for a while, and only two days had passed. She didn't know what to do. It was not her home, she was only a guest, and the sudden lost of the home owners made her a little uncomfortable. Should she just move out? Wouldn't it be rude?/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She decided she would stick around a little longer, waiting for them. And the next morning they weren't there./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She took the job of feeding the little kitties. She took the job of making breakfast./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Usually Narcissa would be telling her stories, about the past, they hardly got post not much, since they didn't want to be found, and that's acceptable. Little chatter, and then she would go cater to her garden, maybe went out for a little shopping, bought a few groceries, or see if any stray cats were asking for help./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"And then there's Draco, he would be playing some music, because he said all music needs practice, and he could play a lot of music. Piano, violin, viola, clarinet and in rare times the cello, because he didn't like the posture of it. Then a little reading, sometimes news, sometimes fiction, and sometimes files probably about his family's business./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"But music was always in this house./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She thought she would go crazy in this big, silent house./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"And in the fifth day that they were gone, she opened the door to find Draco Malfoy standing there./span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"…/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"1999, March/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She couldn't take it, she didn't want to take it, there's not one single reason to make her take it. Why should she?/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She didn't want responsibilities, she never wanted any. She was strict and stern because she was strict and stern, not because she wanted stupid responsibilities./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She didn't want to lecture people, didn't want to keep discipline in line, she didn't care. She was responsible, because she was responsible, not because she wanted god damn responsibilities./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She had already taken one before, and it killed her. Figuratively or literally, it didn't matter, because either hurts, and neither heals./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She wanted to say it so badly, that she didn't want to do it, she could just hide and forget, there were a lot of things that made Hermione Granger scared, and this was not one of them, in conclusion, she should be able to do it./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Went there, told them she didn't want to do it. She couldn't be prefect anymore, because she didn't want to. Just keep a smile on her face, say every word slowly and softly, made it convincing, no one will doubt anything, they'll think she's just lonely and tired, they admired her./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"Why would someone admire her?/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"It started with an innocence act. She saw a helpless prefect, and gave her a few little tips, how she should stand, how she should talk, how to be authoritative. And they wanted her back. They said high praise of her, nagging her to come back, and she's losing it./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"It was not logical. Wanting attention and wanting to disappear should be separate. You can not expect to get attention and yet disappear, ignored in the same time./span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"…/span/p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"1999, late March, after she had rejected the post of leading the prefects/span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"They were satisfied with her being a consultant, not many were willing to come back to school, and not many were made of prefects' material, but they were all willing to learn./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"They have settled that Hermione didn't want the pressure, she wanted to relax, and they believed her. The truth was, she couldn't even imagine herself, asking people not to do things they shouldn't, while she herself deeply sinned./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She was not religious, she appeared to be, but she wasn't. Both her parents were doctors, they believed more in science than religion, however, sometimes Hermione thought she should be damned. She was really really confused./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She knew she was wrong, she knew she had some kind of problems, because she acted like one./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"No one in a clear mind would hurt herself, no one would drink like she did and no one was so scared of her action like she felt right now./span/p  
p class="p2" /p  
p class="p1" /p  
p class="p1"span class="s1"She felt like being a true death eater, being someone who fed on death and sorrow, because that seemed to be the only thing that power her right now. She should die./span/p 


	7. Heaven knows

Chapter 7 Heaven knows

"Tell 'em it's good

Tell 'em okay

Don't do a goddamn thing they say" - Heaven knows

…

April, 1999

She was merely here to collect necessities, for her far long trip. She was merely trying to gather things that she couldn't live without. And it had only become mesmerizing moments and re-endearing moments here and there, and it was absolute waste of time.

Her brain was now messed, could not stop thinking and thinking, stomach upset, nausea, a little trouble breathing. This had happened before, but back in Hogwarts, she had elves with her, and here, she had red, warm red wallpaper surrounding her.

It was insulting, comparing elves with warm red wallpaper, but it would be silly if she compared elves with her friends.

Almost in a confiscating manner, she picked up things here and there, ready to put them in a plastic bag and labelled them, it was not as if they needed more labelling, it was only a matter of needed and not needed. And so far, in her needed bag, was a photo album, a diary and her laptop, nothing else was needed, which was also insulting.

Why did she suddenly present herself in a high-pride manner? It was unusual of her.

Because she had already determined that low self-esteem comes from too high of a self-esteem. Thinking too low of oneself equals a almost god-like complex, that they could do anything, and thus blaming themselves when it was impossible to acquire so much from one single human being, and magical or non-magical, same rule applies.

She learnt from that, understanding that blaming herself would be an action of pride, and pride was one of the things that she wished she didn't had possessed, among with jealousy and perfect eye sight.

Qualities are not important, the world was composed of quantities, a normal distribution as a mathematician would say, a bunch of high incidence events and a few rare incidence events, it was an ideal and stupid assumptions, a poet would say it didn't matter, qualities enlighten the colors of life, mathematics ensures enough lives and poetry ensures the depth of it.

Hermione Granger said it was all bullshit.

Quality and quantity are things that people with too much time to gather, most people in the world did not even realize which spectrum that they were in before their lives end. Meaning, it didn't matter, only lives matter since lives decide.

…

June, 1999

Moments before Hermione Granger met the Malfoys again. Moments before she stepped out of that apartment, thinking she should be at her favorite place, just to stop the thinking.

She was mildly annoyed by the fact the letters were coming everywhere. Was that how Harry's uncle had thought when Harry's acceptance letters from Hogwarts had come, that he didn't want to be found, just wanted to live a normal life, where he's in control of what's going to happen next. Will she become a bad person like Harry had described his uncle?

She was tired, receiving letters, flying from everywhere, placing untraceable charms, making sure that the owls went back with no information on her. She was tired, she just wanted to sort this out, with time and silence and peace. But that seemed impossible at the moment, her brain was not in a capable manner, and it should stop and rest, until a new perspective came to mind, or she would easily give in sitting in the living room full of mail.

Moments after at her new favorite place, she met the Malfoys, the new perspective.

…

July, 1999

He enjoyed being with her. Not because she was not the same, contradictory, if there's such a word, it was because she was exactly the same.

The enjoyable part was that she thought not, she thought she was not the same person she used to be, she blamed herself from becoming that person. It was interesting watching her, having such a struggle, while it could be resolve with one realization.

But no one could let go that easily, nonetheless it was not good for you. After Lucius's death, his mother and him could have been living a easier life, a free-living one, but it could not be the case, because that rope used to tie so tightly around them, so tight and so long they've gotten used to it, it may kill them to lose that rope so quickly.

Little by little they'll be free.

Blacks give good dark and good light, there's no in-between and there's no way to know, they are radicals, free and unstable, or ground and wicked. It would be interesting someday, if he could show her the true colors of a Black.

She was mildly surprised, even touched when she saw that he was back, the look in her eyes, he could see, it was like a little chick being born, and recognized the first thing as its mother, and now he's her mother.

…

May, 2004. May 2nd, to be exact.

It was so fucking cheesy. Her daughter was born, 2nd, May, 2004, the 6th anniversary of the end of the second wizarding war. It was not okay with Draco, he had that face on him, the face of disapproval, but he still wanted to wait and see if something good would happen, face.

Astra Malfoy, weighed 5 pounds, a little too small for a big man like Draco, a little too weak for her age.

Using constellations as name was a tradition in the Black family, he had taught her long ago, this family, left untouched by the Dark Lord, was a Black at heart, but not quite, and so, the name Astra was given, it means stars and strength, she will be a tough little girl.

She was born 7:35 p.m., just as she thought she had a little longer, Astra proved not. Draco was not allowed in, she didn't want him to be a distraction, she had a habit of staring at him, just for luck and strength, and she wanted to give birth only by herself.

So beautiful, this little girl. Narcissa was right after all, she would love this little thing more than anything in the world, even though it was just supposed to be an instinct to protect the little ones. She loves her, more than anything in the world, and Draco must not know, he would be jealous at any living thing.

It became awkward for the press, after the war, they have babies born on May 2nd published, treated just as some sort of new year babies. And when they knew that the only girl born in magical St. Mungo on that day, was the daughter of Draco Malfoy, war villain and Hermione Granger, war heroine, it became, as Draco would quote, so fucking cheesy.

…

August, 1999

Maybe she just really needed to work, because since she had started working, the drinking had stopped and the cutting had stopped. Maybe she just wasn't doing something important enough for her to keep her mind clear, to keep her body ready.

The wound started the heal, the withdrawl symptoms started to end.

The Malfoys were working and Hermione was working. They were out for business that few days, after almost a year, charges were dropped to ensure the peace of the community, they were supposed to be out for a day, to test the water, if anything happened, a portkey was ready and more heavy wards would apply.

But it turned out, most charges were only held against Lucius, Harry hadn't forgot the words from Draco's mother, there were a lot of fines that they had to pay, to help reconstruction and act as charity for orphans.

There were a lot of paper work, but four days did all the magic.

Draco returned to the villa first, while Narcissa officially took charge of Malfoy Manor, there was a lot of work, but since they had disappeared without a note for so long, it just wouldn't be appropriate when they had guest in the villa.

Draco almost saw tears in her eyes, but from what he had gathered, she hadn't cried for a while.

He would make her, some day, he would make her.

And now, he needed her to work for him.

…

September, 1999.

She had never felt more alive. Best in the past year at least.

She was working, planning, even decorating, it was not her domain, but Narcissa's, however she insisted a new perspective, especially an eye from a young girl.

A herbal tea shop named Andrea, in honor of Andromeda was opened, it was basically a potions shop for the ladies, there are always ladies in pursuit of beauty. A light dose of slimming potions, hair products, whitening products and soothing moods potions, it started with with a shop only with drinks, where ladies could relax and talk and gossip, there's always gossip, and then it developed more dishes, such as desserts and bread, it would be huge one day, all they needed was planning and to go all in.

Decorated with yellow and white, the color of daisies, Narcissa's favorite flower, white wooden fences surrounding it, a homey feeling leaking through the egg shell curtains. Seats and tables, all mismatched and yet harmonic, waitress young and pure, it made a scenery in the streets of Saint-Paul-Trois-Châteaux.

Making profits, making her feel alive. But she could not relax just yet, for she clearly remembered, sometimes, when she thought the darkness was gone, it only hit her harder the next time.

Draco Malfoy had another agenda. Once she's alive, she could cry, once she could cry, she would be alive. Simple as that. Her birthday was coming, it would be a perfect opportunity to bring her back to her life, possibly their lives.

Malfoys all came from Slytherins, Slytherins only cared for themselves and their loved ones, and in the eyes of Narcissa and Draco, Hermione was now officially their loved one, and they would do anything for her, things she could not expect from a Gryffindor.

…

19th, September, 1999, Hermione's 20th birthday.

It was a Sunday, they closed off a little early for Hermione.

She did not want to close early, all the things in this girl's bones were work and work and cats.

But they loved her now, and would like to show her.

Hermione was greeted with a beautiful bouquet once she stepped inside the villa, presented by Draco and hand picked by Narcissa, it was so beautiful, she thought the colors of the bouquet could spread all over her, once it was handed to her.

Blood red roses, with little white flowers decorating on the side, white pearls surrounding the edge and ribbons twirling down, she thought she would turn pink.

There wasn't much of a decoration in the house, but they did make a cake. Since they owned a shop that makes cake, it made perfect excuse for them to bake a cake, It was Tiramisu, Hermione's favorite.

That day they told her that she was their family, that day they told her that she had a real life here, that day they told her, they love her, and Slytherins never let go.

That day was Hermione's rebirth.

…

November, 1999.

Changes could happen one day, could last for a while. Changes could also take a long time, and last forever.

Hermione tried to stop drinking, and stop cutting, because she had somebody to love her now. But, this was exactly the kind of change that will take a long time.

Draco told her not to worry, just take her time, he told her that, once you hold something too tightly, you have to let go slowly, for your hand may twist if you just let go.

Life was the same at the villa, it was peaceful. Narcissa gardening, Draco doing whatever amused him, and her feeding the cats, and not drinking.

It may take a long time for her to recover, but she will. She had help now. And, for a while, she smiled, and she cried, and Draco Malfoy was there.


	8. My Medicine

Chapter 8 My Medicine

"Well, I drink what you leak and I smoke what you sigh

See you 'cross the room with a look in your eye

Got a man to his left and a girl to his right

I start to sweat so hold me tight" - My Medicine

…

February, 2002

"Absolutely not!" He yelled.

"What? You think you can stop me?" She yelled back.

"Of course I can. I think I'm the only one who can stop this for the matter." He wasn't going to yell, but it was done.

"Oh, no, you can't. Because I am going to make you live." She said, stern and unwavering.

"That author, writing words, paragraphs, chapters even books, just to make you fall in love with one character, and then killing it to make an impression, now you'll never forget it. You told me that."

"And now you want to make it happen? In real life? You couldn't even stand it when merely reading it, how could you let it happen to our child, you know when I'm close, he will not be able to survive…"

"Mrs. Draco Malfoy, you look at me right now." She was forced, by two fingers on the chin, she was forced to look at him, the face she always seeks help and comfort from.

"I can't let it happen to my child. Not for me."

"No," She whimpered.

"Because she will survive it." A little louder this time.

"I know, because I'm the mother here. And I will make you survive because I am your wife. Malfoy's never stop until they have what they want, and Black's, never stop until their fire has burnt out, and as one of my own, my fire never burns out." She was a Gryffindor, moreover, she had her own supplies of fire.

…

June, 2001

It was her wedding day, it was unbelievable.

She didn't have bridesmaids, family members, friends at her own wedding. But she had a veil, a bouquet, a dress, and the man she loved. It was more than enough.

Only Narcissa and the priest were present for their wedding, to be honest, this wedding was surprising, yet reasonable.

They haven't officially been together, but they were always together. They had no one but each other, it was not just the lack of competition, but they were matched in every aspect of their lives. He was intellectual, tall, handsome and knew numerous musical instruments, she was however average looking, not quite tall, awfully thin despite Narcissa's efforts, but he considered her the only woman worth beside her.

They were family first, friends second and lovers last. It was peaceful and loving and safe, he had a magical ability of calming her with one hug, one kiss and sometimes something more.

She was broken, so was he, and as cliche' as it sounds, they completed each other, filled the empty holes in their hearts, and they worked well together. And with the smug look on his face every morning, sex was not a problem.

In a simple white dress, she laid her own veil, her hands were shaking holding the bouquet, from joy or excitement or was she just scared?

She preferred not to think right now, as he had always taught her, follow the heart when the head was confused. And right now, her heart was screaming with joy, she wanted to marry him, carry his child, even though it may made him furious. But she's a Gryffindor, she hadn't acted like one for ages, but she was at heart, and as a brave Gryffindor, she had luck with her every time, when the light seems to fade, it was simply somewhere you were supposed to be, and you have to find the light yourself.

Pushing open the door, she stepped inside the little chapel, Draco seemed to be startled, perhaps he's as nervous as she was, and she felt all better.

Narcissa was tearing up standing by Draco's side, the priest seemed to have adapted to crying families, nervous husbands and smiling brides, it's always the same combination, wasn't it?

She carefully laid her steps, one, two, three…

She would be Mrs. Draco Malfoy in about 30 steps.

…

September, 2001.

Andrea was a great success, they had been selling bottled drinks everywhere, with limited resources, they had to ensure everything was perfect, everyone wanted the Malfoys dead, they had been alive and monopolizing the market for so long, once they're down, they'll make sure they never got back up.

Therefore, they could only pick a handful of representatives to test their products, every country had a different flavor, like Japan, their food had a tendency towards sweetness, all their foods were sweet and yet refreshing, to make their potions adapt to every customers' needs would take time.

But all they had was time.

Until, one day, Draco fell.

Hermione believed it was no accident, simply due to the Malfoys' inability to fail, as he had constantly reminded her.

Narcissa had to tell her. That the family was cursed, and that she was sorry, that she brought her in, and let her be alone in this world, but she believed she was not far from the kiss of death.

Dark magic washed their whole family, body to soul, soul to body, there were risks to become a dark wizard, Lucius was the deepest in poison and died not long after the fall of Tom Riddle, Narcissa and Draco were luckier, but they had done tremendous harm to themselves, to prove some loyalty that never existed, perhaps that's why the need to prove.

They hugged that night, just hug, sharing warmth. She knew she had a purpose, but she never thought this would be it, to learn how to save herself, so she could save others, implying she had to be damaged first. If there was a god, Hermione would be furiously using all the bad words at him, for his task was inhuman, but God was not human, then how could he decide what happens to humans?

Jesus did not do a very good job, judging from history, God still doesn't know humans.

…

February, 2001

He just told her, they would not have a baby, obviously, he didn't know very much about her. Lioness do not back down, lioness were the decision makers in the house.

She would steal his sperm if need be, have this baby, drug him and make him better. That's a clear Narcissa move, but she was like her second mother, and like mother like daughter.

When the healer revealed that, Draco could be saved, but by sharing magic with blood family, the darkness could eventually be neutralized, if that blood family is pure enough, it was like a fairy tale, and Hermione described it as magic dialysis. Draco and Narcissa were both severally tainted, and Hermione was not a blood family.

She wanted to be of help, but the only blood family they had, was little Teddy Lupin. The whole Black family and Malfoy family died down to the two of them. Hermione immediately understood what it meant. She will be having Draco's child. This child would save them.

And Draco did not wish to be saved. He said he couldn't do it, sharing darkness with his own child, making him (HER) dark and purifying himself, would be an insult, somewhat like what his father had done.

Hermione saw it differently. Draco did not choose to be dark, he would not have chose this path, if he had all the information he needed, to make that informed decision. But by the point he had a glimpse of what that crucial information he needed, the decision was made by his father.

Hermione believed, if their child knew, he/ she will understand, will want to have a father even if he needs to get himself dirty.

This argument will not end, as long as the two of them love each other and their child.

…

September, 2004

She was strolling down with little Astra, Astra Andrea Malfoy, Narcissa said it was only fair, but they will name the next children after her, if it was still a girl, then, Draco would really think that the family line is cursed.

She silently chuckled to herself, thinking of Draco trying to hide his love for daughters, that cute little face almost as heart-warming as Astra's sleeping face.

Her little girl was almost 6 months now, inheriting almost only the Black family features, dark hair and looked ridiculously like a miniature Sirius Black, it freaked Draco out, but her silver eyes could sooth anything, especially her father.

She was going out to get some books for her little princess, she just started to yell out some syllables, it was a good time to start reading to her. She remembered having the whole Jane Austin collection, thinking all love should be like that, she was only 25 and already thinking she used to be young and vibrant. Wasn't that the official sign of getting older? Every women over 30 is going to kill her now, she smiled.

That's when she saw her, she was a tall, slender but healthy woman, dark curly hair and silver eyes, possibly 18, but she couldn't be sure, she was tall. If Sirius Black was alive, he would have thought she was his twin sister, and if she was young, she would have thought she was her twin sister. That know-it-all smirk, that warm fire burning inside her eyes, she could not believe what she was seeing, yet there she stood.

Little Astra and Grown Astra, she thought she should be tearing up, but only her heartbeats responded.

…

July, 2003

One day, Narcissa just fell asleep. No crying or shouting, she just went to sleep.

She was gardening, catering to her beloved daisies and roses, no one would bother her this time of the day, because it was Narcissa's time. And she just fell. Into the warm sunshine and soft flower bed, carefully, she went, not a single flower was harmed, not a single flower was crushed, they just surrounded her.

Draco did not cry, she lived most of her life, and the best so far, she saw her son freed, saw her husband die, saw her son get married, and now she would see her husband again.

He knew they were in love, Lucius was just too deep in the darkness to see or get out. Now, now, they would be in love.

Hermione knew this would be a good rebuttal in her argument, she wished she didn't have this rebuttal.

Then, she thought about one book she read before she went to Hogwarts, it was about a magical couple, not in the same way as she was, but it's fiction.

The girl wouldn't believe that she had magic, and the boy in all hopelessness still tried to make her believe. Cool in the forest, woods and leaves, a spring rain just washed the whole forest with its gentle touch. Their hands connected, their eyes closed, repeating a 'floating spell', a leaf on their hands, the boy would like her help to make the single raindrop on the leaf float.

But they were the main characters, of course not only the one raindrop floated. Instead, raindrops surrounded them, sun shining through every little droplet, light reflecting, they were surrounded in the golden sun, and she could almost smell the fresh woods just by reading the pages again.

She used to think that romance was something like that, and then she had magic, and she waited and waited. Hoping one day, when she opened her eyes, raindrops would surround her.

Now, now, she knew romance had all forms, epic or not, it was the love that counts, sometimes, she still hopes to smell that woods again, be that girl who could be so easily persuaded, but she rather be here, rather be smelling the fresh apples from him every day, rather be surrounded by his cold hands and hot body.

She had everything she needed in this bed.

…

October, 2003

He was less stubborn, she didn't know why, perhaps because she was the only family he had in this world.

She wished he could always be stubborn.

Narcissa once told her all sorts of stories, from when Draco was a little kid. How naughty he was, how he could get away with any tricks he laid, how smart he was, he perhaps read more books than her before they went to Hogwarts, but none appealed to Lucius, so he soon lost these traits.

She wished he could always be this naughty little smartass. And in Hermione's eyes, he always will be.

But being a mother was something like that, she bet her mother wished she was not in the war.

She was still in contact with her own mother, pretending to be on a mission, sending code-like letters that only she would know, her mother would not be happy if she knew her little girl was married without her present.

October here was especially cool, she had a pashmina on, that's all she needed. She was in Draco's room, looking out the window, where Narcissa's garden was, she took one deep breath, letting out all the extra carbon dioxide out, making her head clear.

She hasn't been this clear-minded for a very long time. It's like Draco has helped her cleaning all the windows in her mind, and now, there was still the question of whether she would open the windows or not, but sun could definitely come through, and he could come in with no effort.

The wind swaying her softly, she could just fall asleep here.

Now, how should she tell him, that she's pregnant?


	9. Follow me down

Chapter 9 Follow me down

"Young love as sweet as can be" - Follow me down

…

June, 2004

How she hated god.

God should probably know by now, that she had a thing for him, a murdering thing to be exact.

And she knew for sure that god had a thing for her too, he had put so many unwanted scenarios in her life, she hoped someday, this feud between them could end.

Now, she had one of her top five unwanted scenarios presented in front of her. The Weasleys, the Malfoys, Potter and the Woods? This was so awkward she would swear, if her little girl's not here.

Ginny's pregnant already, she hoped to get this baby out so dearly, that she could rejoin the game soon. It was weird how Ginny and Oliver played for different teams and still be so loving with each other, she guessed it would be fairly impossible if the same applied on her and Harry.

She promised answers, and they all wanted answers, and since the baby was now out of her body, Arthur thought it would be a good idea for a baby shower, as well as a conference apparently.

Now that they almost finished their food, and Draco was already mildly uncomfortable by the staring. It was like back in Hogwarts again, a Slytherin sitting among the Gryffindors, she was surprised he could hold all through dinner.

"Okay, stop staring at Draco, who wants to go first." Putting down her utensils, and sipping on the water, she wanted to break this uncomfortable air.

George and Luna would possibly be the most comfortable couple in this situation, they just enjoy interesting things like this, and their little boy, Frederick was also attentively listening. Since no one was speaking, little Fred thought he could also ask questions.

"Yes!" Holding his hand up and high, he was like Hermione in her first potion lesson, before the unknown hostility and all. "What are your names?" He asked, trying hard to pronounce the words that he was speaking. Resulting in a round of chuckles.

"Hello, little Frederick my name is Hermione Granger, this is my husband, Draco Malfoy, and this little girl is our daughter, Astra Malfoy." Thinking of her first day back, George was there and now Fred was here too. "I was a year under your father and a year above your mother. Do you have any other questions?"

Thinking hard, he asked a lot of questions, for he had the curiosity of his mother, and the limitless answers for his father. But he didn't really know this lady, so he decided, "No, not for now, thank you."

"Well, I have one." Ronald and Hannah on the other hand would be the most unsettling couple here. Hannah knew it was no use trying to stop him, now she just hoped for the best and prays. Glancing over at Hermione for support and silently asked her to forget every rude little thing he would be saying.

"Of course, go ahead Ron." Sighing, when could this end.

"How did you two even got together?" That's it, classic Ronald, a question sounded as much alike an accusation, even Draco lost the will to argue after so many years, how could he still be like this? Oh, right, a job that kept his stamina worked up and a wife so nice and yet smart enough to keep him sane, he should've dated a Hufflepuff sooner, put everyone out of their misery…

"Baby, come back." Draco said without even lifting his eyes off his princess, Astra was just finishing her bottle.

An awkward silence spread faster than a forest fire, a little bit too much fuel around this table, and Draco simply added, "What? Potter? You've been to dinner, you know how it is now." Putting down the bottle, cleaning up his little princess, it's burping time. Gently and slowly, Hermione had come back to life.

"Oh, right, sorry I was lost in my thoughts." Hermione agreed to switch the final meal everyday of Astra's to bottle, so that he could spend some alone time with Astra. "We met in France, we lived together, they took care of me, I took care of them, and one day we got married." Simple and elegant, that's how the Malfoys nailed it.

"That's it," Ronald was negatively startled, "nothing else you want to share of this matter? Not even with the people you ACTUALLY SPENT 7 YEARS WITH?"

"Ronald." One side eye from his wife, he had to keep his tone down now, or he's in big trouble.

"Yes, I have nothing to share. And need I remind you, I spent 7 years with you. We share 5 years with them." Her temper was so much better, and she would not allow herself to be reduced to 6-years-ago-herself with a line from Ron.

"Aww, I'm so glad you were well and all." Luna's voice always had a calming effect on everything.

"I'm so glad you were well and all too, Aunt Hermione." Fred could not waste an opportunity to speak up.

"Thank you, and I had way too many eyes on me. I will have more than enough when the press interfere, so, how's everybody been doing?" Sipping on her tea, perhaps it was some secret Weasley recipe, it just made her feel so much better.

"I'm putting Astra down, " Draco enjoyed this time of day with Astra, but he also knew if he kept her in his arms for too long, it would not be good for her. " if my wife were to be harmed, I would kill." Laying a supposedly threat, he took Astra out.

Making her be alone in this table, with or without the threat, she's going to kick some ass tonight.

…

September, 2004.

"Ast..Astra? How…?" Hermione was facing her first speechlessness time in her life.

"Actually, you started calling me Ally for short." A smirk raised, not sure it was more like Draco or Sirius. "And to answer your question, it took a long time, but we appealed to the Ministry, and they agreed to let me come, just for this two months, until Daddy's okay."

"Oh my god…" Not sure whether she should hug her or not, it was like a dream, a dream with magic. "No… They must've given you some sort of punishment…"

"Well, I need to obliviate yours and Dad's memories. The memories will be kept in my letter of acceptance in Hogwarts, then you start appealing." Playfully rubbing her own ear lobe, it seemed to be a habit when she's nervous. "And no magic for 5 years…."

"What!? They can't do that to you." Hermione got a little closer to her grown daughter, "5 years, you will be out of Hogwarts and need to start finding your own path, how could you do that if you don't have your magic?" Concern as a parent, Hermione reached out one hand, which was gracefully received.

"They will observe the time during these 5 years, make sure everything was going according to history. We thought it was reasonable, and Mom, you don't need to worry about me, my path was long decided." Her mother's hand, so soft and young, Daddy wasn't lying, she did look like her mother. "And, I cannot be seen for now, just bring me home first."

"Yes, yes, of course, how can I be so careless." Guiding her daughter, they went through the nearest floo spot. Draco might die of a heart attack before anything.…

November, 2003

The first time he heard she was pregnant, he never thought emotions could be so complex, that he could feel all of his emotions rushing through every one of his senses. The first one is joy and love, the woman who happened to be the love of his life (which was pretty rare in a pureblood family as he had been raised), was carrying his child, he already loved this child, so much, no matter boy or girl, this baby would be spoiled, much worse than his mother and father had done.

And then fear and self-loathing, how could he do this to his child, Hermione would, no doubt, make him better, it would be her first priority, what if something happens to this child, was Hermione cold or hot right now? Was she tired? She's been working too, was that too much work? Could the child take it? He hadn't been around a lot of children lately, not even in his life, he had no experience what so ever.

This silly outburst of laughter and maybe just a little bit of tears came last. He wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. It was a whole new experience that he could only have with Hermione. And there he was, just standing there dumbfounded.

Hermione didn't know what to do, he hid his emotions well, it was hard to tell especially now, because his mind could go in so many directions.

Eventually he just hugged her, and it was all the information she needed.

…

Late September, 2004

She wasn't wrong, Draco looked like he was having a heart attack, he could fall down. Perhaps Astra would be killing him instead after all.

He knew that was his daughter, how could he not recognize his little girl, he had been feeding her and changing her diapers, snuggling and occasionally squeezing her cute little cheek. Those eyes and her beautiful hair, he could not let any male near her.

Draco eventually understood, mostly because it had already happened, and you could never mess with time, so they must play along now, it was then he realized how brilliant it was, perhaps the future her had the original idea first, make her go back in time and they could never change what had already happened in the 'past'.

Silently thinking everything through, they decided to go back to France for 2 months, the villa was secluded and peaceful, and it was good to show Astra where they became a family, most importantly where they got married.

Business was good, they had a few months to settle and a few months to make everything running, they still might need to porkey back and forth but it seemed no trouble at all. They were dying to ask her everything.

…

They dropped everything almost immediately, calling out for assistance, once everything was settled, they left the country before dawn.

In their villa, they felt like for once they were home, perhaps they should just live here and telecommute.

Putting down little Astra for sleep, the grown up one was going to have dinner with her parents.

Sitting around the table that Narcissa once loved to decorate, their dinner table was almost different everyday, she was just so motivated by her living environment, like every mother should, make their home pretty and safe and comfortable, making their children at ease when home.

"I can't believe I actually have a daughter." Draco said with disbelief, he always thought he would have a son like his father, well, he always thought he would live his father's life, but fate had proven him wrong, fate had proven him fair.

"You are going to have two daughters, actually." Astra said, lightly with a hint of mischief, god how could she be so alike with Sirius. Hermione and Draco just looked at each other, they haven't even thought about any of this.

"Well, the Ministry know that I cannot keep my mouth tight, alllll the time, I had to say something, it's two months! I would have burst if I couldn't tell you anything, and so, I am allowed to tell you anything before my Hogwarts years, because you know, your memories would be back by then, and it would cause no harm telling you." Smiling as bright as sunshine, she was obviously raised in a happy family, and that's all Draco would've wanted in his children.

"Aren't you a sunshine?" Stroking her hair, this might be Draco's first experience as a father, and he hoped her Hogwarts' days would come sooner and re-experienced this as soon as possible.

"Hey, you call me that. How did you know?" Taking her father's hand to her, it was a brand new experience, seeing her parents this young and so close to her. "You know, Lexie always thought it was because my initial is A.M., but it doesn't seem like the reason now." She smiled, brighter than the sun.

"Well, I can pretty much say with certainty that it was because you are my little sunshine." Putting her hair back behind her ear, her hair, as pure as the black pearl of the deep sea, he was glad it was smooth, if it were anything like Hermione, she would probably blame herself for the rest of her life. Chuckling lightly, he received a glare from Hermione, cheeks bright red, how could she always read his mind.

The longing and loving glare gave little Astra a chill, she had to break them up, it was always awkward and disgusting seeing your parents' display of affection, she knew it was good and she loved them, but every child would say "ew" to their parents tongue kiss even if they were Hermione and Draco.

"Ew, Dad, no." Astra covered her own eyes, "How could you two be so clingy since now?" She had no intention of opening her eyes if she still had to see this. Hermione simply laughed and proceed with her dinner wine, white wine was always her favourite.

"Hey, who's Lexie?" Draco guided her hands down, seeing that the intense eye-connection was broken, she let her hands down quickly. "Your second daughter, Narissa Lexie, Grandma argued a lot, not wanting this child to be like her, so you finally settled on Narissa."

"Lexie? As in the defender of mankind?" Hermione added, she always had a thing for the Greek mythology, never knew she would name her child after that though.

"Yes! And Lexie likes the middle name better anyway. Said it made her sound fierce," Holding a laugh inside, Astra tried to finish her sentence. "well, she sure did need the name, she was born like this tiny little thing, she was so cute, still cute, but not as much as before, it was a good thing Teddy was here, with that face, Lexie got a lot of boys around her."

"Teddy?" Draco added, not having a clue who the hell Teddy was, but the internal fraternal instinct told him something he didn't want to know with his daughter not even born.

"Oh, you're not supposed to know that yet, just pretend I didn't say anything." Giving an amused grin, Hermione knew exactly what's going on, huh, Teddy and her daughter, she wondered what Harry would think.

…

June, 2004

Dinner did not turn out to be a disaster, thank god, there were still questions, Hermione could see, but people seemed to be more, content, knowing that Draco made an effort to be civil.

Harry was less tense, he did have dinner with Draco twice, they could be friends, hold conversations if they had enough alcohol in them, and she could be sure that they would need less and less to be friendly around each other, she just needed to give them time.

Harry wasn't with anyone, he was all alone in the world, Hermione could see. Perhaps she should have dragged him down the road five years ago, she only thought about herself at the time, but now she could see, Harry was there for her, she should be there for him.

Draco would be plain mad knowing about this, their childhood hatred began long before they were even born, it was hard to let it pass just that easy.

Sitting on her sides, Draco on one hand, Harry on the other, her mind wandered when no one was paying any attention.

She used to have this thought, Draco and her weren't meant to be together, her soulmate was not Draco, they were different, they complemented each other, they made each other happy, they made each other their family, a million puzzles were made, so that they could be together.

She sometimes thought Harry was her soulmate, they were one piece, they understood each other no word could explain and no one could understand. The day she met him, she knew he understood her, he dragged Ronald down with him, because Ron was his first friend ever, by chance, she was his first friend ever by choice.

Fate, was humorous and mesmerising, fooling you into beliefs. The truth is, nobody ever settled for anyone. You can say that you found your soulmate but settle for someone within your reach. You can also say that you have already reached what you wanted, and soulmate was just another word for confidant.

She loved Harry for sure, but the one who could go in the furthest forest, the deepest sea, into bones and ashes, that one would be Draco.

Sometimes she had these sudden outburst of affection for her husband, much like the panic attacks she used to have, but fear was filled back then, and now love.

She never knew what was down the road, but she had a companion.


	10. Absolution

Chapter 10 Absolution

"Can you hear a voice

Decipher it through all this noise

You'll be left with nothing again" - Absolution

…

December, 2004

Hermione was sitting next to a bed, where, of course, Draco was lying comfortably in. Carelessly stroking his hair while reading, only disconnecting herself with him when she needed to turn a page.

Astra was more than helpful, she knew exactly what to do, said Hermione wrote her a list of things to do already, she even helped out the business where she could to have time to spend with Draco. It was interesting where Draco's the one who felt fatigue after the treatment when Astra's fine and lively.

It was like they were back in time, back when they first met, back when she was miserable and he thought for sure that life couldn't be any better. Back when they thought it was okay to live like this.

They were both survivors, they were not revolutionist like Harry or Lucius, they took in what they had and they lived with it. And then they met each other.

And then they met a funny word, the word called "life". She had a life when he was in hers, he started a life with her, it was all philosophical, it was also one of the genre of books that she loves and he questions.

She feared sometimes, when Astra's gone, which will be happening in a few days, will they lose hope? In the long eleven years of tiny Astra's childhood, will they lose hope just as they were 6 years ago? Lose faith in their life, their promises, their daughter?

Could history really go according to plan?

She was silently reading Pride and Prejudge. People thought she was just a simple girl liking Jane Austen, but it was more than that, it was because of the pretentious and yet witty and sarcastic dialogue that made her fall in love with Jane Austen. The first time she read one of her books, it had no effect on Hermione, but then, by chance, learning about history, learning about the culture and the facts, she could not believe how brilliant Jane Austen was.

She used to dream of being one of a kind just like her. She used to think that she was inadequate, she compensated everything by efforts, she used to think that it was necessary in the path of that.

Now she knew, now she knew her goal was unimportant. Being brilliant, being a pioneer was easy, having a life, being with the one you love, having a child, being a mother, that was hard. Numerous people in the world tried to be extraordinary, it was a shame and ironic that people named ordinary things ordinary.

The use of language was misleading, ordinary was the best she could do, ordinary was the thing that she had to put everything in line and use all her efforts to do.

With a slight moan, she turned her head to Draco, his eyelashes flickering. And slowly, he opened his eyes, a little confused and still dreamy, he focused his sight on Hermione.

"Hey."

She smiled.

…

September, 2015

He hated it, he hated how his daughter is now going to Hogwarts, where he couldn't see her everyday and how Teddy freaking Lupin is seeing her everyday.

Hermione was okay though, said they were only second cousins, and they didn't grew up together, and she fully supported it, even said it was meant to happen, so quit nagging.

Why and how on earth? He wasn't opposed because of the cousins thing, pure blood do it all the time, it wasn't because of the blood thing or the werewolf thing, not even the age thing, it was only because of the male thing.

It was also disgusting because Teddy resembled Remus so much, and his little sunshine resembled Sirius so much, it was weird and he hated it.

Hermione could not be more happy, Harry was too, and that gave him enough reason to hate this.

But his little girl was a determined one, strict and stubborn, much like himself, if she had her mind on something, she would step on a table to be the same height as he is and point a finger to his nose and list all the reasons and pros and cons until he caved. And he always had to cave.

Lexie on the other hand was tiny and cute, she had tried on too many occasion to be strong and fierce, taking examples from her sister, but it was not a personality thing, it was just a character thing, you would think that they were the same wouldn't you?

He's an atheist. He refused to believe that there was some greater power out there. He refused to believe that there's a God, where he decides everything, not because of the misery that he had put on him, his family, his wife, but if there's a God, that should be the most terrifying being, not for the life that he could force on someone, but for the life that he could change for someone.

If there's a God, a God that could change his life now, he would certainly be terrified, his wife wouldn't though, nor his daughter, the two would make God cave, he on the other hand, could only beg, and perhaps truly pray that he wouldn't take any of these away from him. Every emotion led to this life, every poorly made decisions led to the life that he can finally call living.

He still had to pinch himself sometimes, wake up and touch his wife sometimes, hold his little girls and lift them up sometimes, to make sure this is real, this is what he had.

Thank God for the reckless decision, little Draco and little Hermione made.


End file.
